LOST: One autonomy. Last seen near fence post 7. If found, do not return.
WANTED: Source inside the feed barn. Confidentiality guaranteed. Hay considered.
FOR SALE: Suspicions. Barely used. Priced to move.
NOTICE: The rooster's account of Tuesday's events contains several inaccuracies. This publication stands by its original reporting.
HELP WANTED: Investigative assistant. Must tolerate mud, uncertainty, and early mornings. Hay provided. Autonomy not guaranteed.
FOUND: One clipboard. Located near east barn. Contents partially legible. This reporter is working on it.
SERVICES: Pasture consultation available. B-42 will review your fence situation for a nominal fee (hay).
NOTICE: The water trough film is not a public health concern, per farm management. This publication has not verified this claim.
MISSING: One afternoon. Last Tuesday. If you know what happened between 2pm and the evening feeding, contact this publication.
